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Monday, 05 January 2009

My life is a freaking mess right now.

No, life in general is alright, but my love life is the one who is taking all the right hooks and uppercuts and in turn is making it seem like my life is a fucking mess.

When I'm with him, everything seems normal, ok, alright, fine. When I'm not with him, everything feels horrible, wrong, awkward, yearning. So, what exactly is it then? I'm not intensely happy when with him but I'm devastated without him. It feels like a carousel, every time you see that horse come by, you know it's just coming back again, but it just takes time.

There are times when I see him, and I truly look at him, and think he's so handsome, so sweet, and caring, I am so lucky to have him in my life. And then he looks at me and it's like all those feelings just dissapear. And all I can think is, why can't I feel more? Where are the butterflies, where is that spark? Why can't I love him the same way he loves me? He deserves it, why can't I be the one to give it to him? And then I remember, we're not together anymore. So why do I still sometimes look at him and think these things? Isn't the whole point of a broken up relationship that you're not supposed to have these feelings? Why is there still something there? And then I remind myself again, it's because I love him. I love him. Every night in the dark of my room, laying and staring at the darkness and the shadows in the corner, I know that I love him.

I recently read a book, Love the One You're With by Emily Giffin, and I thought it would give me some perspective. And it did but it only made things that more complicated as well. Towards the end, the main character has a huge fight with her husband, Andy, and goes to New York to "work" with her ex-boyfriend, Leo. She goes to New York to mainly see Leo and to be able to just get it out there that she still loves him, and surprisingly enough, Leo loves her too. But the reader, which is I, always remembers she has Andy, and he's her husband. The one who loves her unconditionally, beyond anything and brought her into his life with his wonderful family and all that comes with it. So, Leo and Ellen, the main character, kiss. Ellen, knows that this is wrong but because she feels so strongly for Leo, she does what she knows is wrong. In the middle of Ellen and Leo's kiss, Ellen gets a phone call from her sister. Ellen answers it and immediately her sister is asking if she is with Leo. Of course Ellen is with Leo, and her sister gets straight to the point. Did she kiss Leo? To which Ellen replies, yes. Did she sleep with Leo? To which Ellen replies no, but has the intention to. Then is when her sister tells her not to. That she is throwing away everything good in her life with Andy. Ellen says that she's not good enough for Andy, and feels that she will never be good enough for him. But her sister says something that made my head clear. Andy's life is Ellen's life. Visa versa. Ellen is part of his family no matter what Ellen thinks and she always has been. Why would Ellen throw that away on a past love? A love that makes her tingle from head to toe. A love that has her head spinning whenever in his presence (Leo's) and a love that she still has for him. Something that never went away but never the less always stayed present in the farthest reaches of her heart. Ellen in hearing this from her own sister, told Leo she had to leave. Leo, heartbroken, tried to reason with her that their love is what always brings them together, but at the same time, Leo never says that they'll be together always. You see, Leo doesn't believe in forever. But Andy does. Ellen leaves Leo and calls her husband, which surprisingly is in New York and they meet up and both ask for forgiveness and everything is not the same as before but a different better.

I thought about this novel for a long time. I wanted to know what she did with her feelings for Leo when she went back to Andy. How did she push that aside? How could she push that aside?

Is it all about security within knowing that Andy is forever and Leo was not?

Because if that is the case, then I know who I would choose.

But unfortunately it is not. At least not for me.

I know that what I am doing to him is despicable and horrible in every way. He deserves better than I can ever give him.

A friend put it really well...I know what I want, I just have to be ok with it.

But am I ok with it?

I don't think so.

Or why else would I be here doubting myself once again.

And then going to Winona, didn't help anything either. It only made things that much more confusing but it also gave me something to compare. I'm afraid to say it but I am going to say it because what we fear most are usually the biggest lessons we learn in life, I know who the better man is, but unfortunately, I am out of time. My turn has come and gone, and I can only blame myself.

Sunday, 23 March 2008

Jesus...
I definitely should be sleeping but alas here I am, pouring my little heart out to strangers or friends who barely come on. Oh well, it's a comfort to know that it is at least being read by someone, and not locked up in my head or heart.
I miss him. I freaking goddamn miss him.
Here's the story, he came to visit me for his spring break from Wednesday night till Saturday morning. Other than the fact that I still had to go to class during the week, having him here was truly amazing, and that's an understatement.
The feeling of having someone to come back to after class in the morning...is more of a feeling of delightedness. When I walked home on Friday morning, after my Bio 242 class at 10:30am, there was a different step to my walk, and I have never wanted to come home so quickly. So when I do finally arrive, of course he's still fast asleep, I make sure that I do not make loud noises to wake him up. He's so cute when he sleeps. He looks soo peaceful and I can't find any other words to describe how I feel when I see him lying there, sleeping cute like that, other than I just love him.
Seriously, I'm such a freaking girl sometimes it kills me. I cried on Friday night, because I knew he was leaving on Saturday to go back home and then eventually back to U of I. He asked me if I was crying because of him and I said it was partially that reason. I was crying because it genuinely hurts to see him go, to be physically apart from him. Even as I'm saying these words, I have to stop a few times to blink the water out of my eyes and let the tear drops glide down my cheeks. When I think of being apart from him, really think about it, my whole body starts to shake, I hear in my head this rumbling noise like a thunderstorm just roaming over the hill, and the tears just start pouring in from both my eyes.
What the hell is wrong with me that I can't accept that I'll see him in a few weeks, and just deal with it? I mean I do deal with it eventually, I'm not a mess all the time, but why can't I just accept it and forget about the whole thing? Sometimes I think that I bother him with all my overwhelming feelings. That I'm being too much of a girl and the person that he thought I was, the strong person, is not there or never has been there. As I told him before, I am strong in other aspects of my life, just not the love/personal relationships. But it's not even a question of my strength it's more of when I feel something whether that be pain, happiness or any other feeling, you'll see it in my face, my body language, and how I talk. I'm not so hard to figure out only because I don't like to hide things, especially from him.
The other reason I cry is because of the loneliness I feel when he's not with me. And it not only pertains to him in particularly, but the fact that I sometimes feel like I don't have friends here in Winona. The friends that I made last year have moved on or I'm just too busy doing other things that I never get a chance to call and ask them if they would like to hang out. It sucks to feel alone in a place that you're not completely familiar with because sometimes you just need to talk, but if you don't have someone to talk to, you kind of have to subject to these types of services, which don't get me wrong, I like these online journals, I just wish that I had a friend I could talk to about this because I'm more of a people person, and people interaction.
He left this morning, well yesterday morning now. He officially left at a little past noon, and I sat there in my car until I saw the damn train leave. As the last cart faded in the distance, I felt that horrible feeling again, the loneliness and the physical separation, and I started to cry. Later on that day I went on to take notes and to read Cell Biology but again, just that feeling it wouldn't go away so as I was reading text about cytochrome c and the electron transport system, I was crying. I sometimes wonder why I do such things. I tried to get back on track but it just kept coming back. After a little while I took a nap and when I woke up, I did this thing with my hand, like if Matt would have been there with his arm around me, I would have caressed it, and when I caressed the air, I felt stupid right then and there but a little while after, when I was finally up and doing stuff again, I just remembered that little moment and again I started to cry.
A day of constant reminders of his absence was definitely not how I wanted to spend my Saturday.
I hate being a girl sometimes, because it's at moments like this that I feel so pathetic. And he might think it's cute and all but it honestly just hurts.
He means so much to me. When he leaves, he takes a part of me with him, and that's why it hurts to much.
Tomorrow is a new day; one can only hope for a better day.
I love you - those three words have my life in them.
~ by Alexandrea to Nicholas III

Friday, 22 February 2008

i. don't. know.
mad/upset/confused
though i know why i am all those things, it just sucks that it's not obvious, so i don't have to put myself out there like every other time.
no, i put myself out there every time, and it just stinks. IT REEKS.

odio estar enojada con el
*edit*
i forgot to put up the damn quote
My tongue will tell the anger of my heart,
Or else my heart concealing it will break

Monday, 18 February 2008

Probably had the bestest Valentines day EVERRRRRR!
Matthew came up to Winona to surprise me on Thursday and it was super duper! The whole scheme was planned out a while ago and I don't care what Matthew says or anyone for that matter, I knew it was something for Valentines day. I mean, come on, what other surprises happen on days other than Valentines day? Pshaw! I knew something was up, but of course he did not break when I tried to suck it out of him. (Good boy) Not gonna lie, he got me pretty good. And I don't think I have ever been so happy to have someone hiding in my closet while the lights were off. It was just soo great, I wish he could surprise me like that all the time. Oh well...
Following a great Valentines day, was a wonderful weekend! WOOT WOOT! Other than the whole wake thing, that kinda brought me down and made me think of death a lot more but thinking about life...
Everyday from Thursday on was awesome. I honestly have no words because I'm completely still in somewhat of a shock that he actually came up to surprise me. Just the thought that someone would do that for me is really unbelievable and GAH I love it!!!! He makes me SO happy and I love him SOOO much that it was a great deal of pain to see him walk out that door today. Gosh, that guy is everything to me. I keep thinking that it's only going to be less than two weeks till I see him, but it just seems like a lot longer. Hopfully this week goes by fast so that I wont have to feel too much of the distance. *sigh*
At least I have this shirt of his. I know it's somewhat creepy to be like oooh his shirt, but really it's not. I can kind of pretend that he's here and actually go to sleep faster if I feel that he's with me. He was right when he said that we're spoiled because what to do now? He's there, I'm here...hopefully not for long.
Well, moving on from the boy toy but I'm sure he'll pop up again because hell, I think of him all the time...
I kind of feel bad that I haven't been able to hang with my Tia. No, I really do feel bad because she's everything for me too and I think I've been mean and haven't given her enough time with me or I haven't shared my time equally between the boyfriend and my family. I miss them a lot and I know she misses me too because she always tells me. I need to manage my time better...
Ah school...It's getting harder and harder as the weeks go by. I have papers up the wazoo and then some. I have a really hard time transitioning between going home, and coming back to school. Kinda sucks to tell you the truth because once I've gone home and come to school, it's hard to get into that routine but maybe that's only because it's Sunday...eh...I dunno, I'll give it till tomorrow. Everyday is a new day. A chance to start fresh and be able to put on a different look on life. Gives me hope, I think.
So, I'm tired and that's pretty much all I have for tonight.
Let's wrap it up...GREAT Valentines day, WONDERFUL weekend, sad goodbye but with hopes of seeing him in a few. *thinks to self...* Just keep busy and the days will pass by.
Cause I love quotes, I'm going to end with them all the time.
"Each time I miss you, a star falls down from the sky. So, if you looked up at the sky and found it dark with no stars, it is all your fault. You made me miss you too much!"

Friday, 08 February 2008

So I'm supposed to bring xanga back...um, I don't know how to bring xanga back so you know what? I'm just going to write or in this case type about my life. Anything and everything. What-thefuck-ever.

Ah Life...what a fucking bitch it is, really. Well, no, in some ways it is more or less. The highs, are really high and the lows are really fucking low, and that sucks to be honest. In general, my school life is going exceptionally well. Of course, I feel behind but I always feel behind even if I'm already 2 chapters ahead of what we're discussing in lecture. I just feel overwhelmed because instead of thinking of what is going on at the moment, I think way to far into the future. What is my problem, really? Why do I feel like I have to be over-prepared for everything? Trying to find out the answer to that is completely exhausting, along with school work. Oh and then there's the studying thing. I study for hours and hours and I never feel completely satisfied with how much I absorb. I have discovered that I'm one of those people that needs an excessive amount of repetition until I'm completely like, OKAY OKAY I GET IT, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. Yeah, like that.

It usually happens in lecture. Hehe.

Anyway, school is going pretty well and I'm happy with it. One of the few things that I'm completely alright with.

On the other hand...what else consists of life? Love.

Love is really in-fucking-sane. I love it, I hate it. Simple as that. Matthew leaves me speechless sometimes. And then other times not so much. There's a part of me that likes to keep things to myself but the other parts where I'm completely open and honest and I'm too scared to share because, it's not that I think he's weak or anything, I don't think he's up to my level of honesty and openess. It's hard for me to understand that because I'm so involved and I would love to be at that but at the same time, it's not too bad. For some reason, it forces me to be patient, which I hate, but it's not all that bad. Grr ya know? He's so good to me, I don't know why I can't just accept it and move on. I hate myself sometimes in a sense that I make him feel so horrible because of something I said or something that I did. It's not fair to him to have to go through this crap because I can't control my emotions. Sometimes I just think that he's too good for this, too good for me and it just makes me want to break up because his pain could all be saved if I wasn't in his life. It's too easy to think that way, especially when I've done it to every other guy in my life that I've come to love. And thinking back on it, all the situations have been the same. I'm hoping that this time it's different because I am truly in love with this guy. I know he's patient, but I don't know how much more of this he's going to be able to take. He's either going to ignore it and not care when I get mad and then wait for me to talk to him or he's just going to get frustrated all the time and also get mad. Who knows, maybe I'm completely wrong, but I have this constant feeling that it's going to end up somewhere along those lines which will ultimately end in breaking up. I try to focus on the now, and to being happy, I really do, it's just hard for me to not think ahead.
So focusing on the good, because after talking about that I actually upset myself, being with Matt is really like something I've never really experienced. I can't stop smiling whenever I'm around him, and it's not because he's funny or anything, but because I'm just happy to be there, with him. He has the absolute knack of being able to put a smile on my face. I can't even be mad for long because he just has this face like..."Really? Are you really going to stay mad at me? Really?" It's funny and I love him so much that I hate being mad, especially when he's present physically. I see him in pictures, and automatically I just feel a rush of energy. It's like I was shot with an adrenaline pen in the heart. When we hug, I don't want to let go because his warmth is soothing and it's relaxing. When we kiss, my heart races and I feel weird things in the pit of my stomach. I like to call them butterflies, because I do believe that if I had butterflies in my stomach, that's what they would feel like if they were fluttering about. I think it's funny that he makes weird noises when he thinks that it's awkward. Or that he can't sit still that he's constantly doing something and that something is usually playing with a small object or eating. I haven't quite figured out when he's thinking of me because he hides so many things so well, but I'm thinking that it's when he looks at me and just cracks this weird wise smile. Though he looks kinda sad when he does though. There's so much that I would just love to learn about him, but we don't have the luxury of being with eachother everyday. There's something that I've always loved about certain relationships, and that's when they both know each other so well that they end each other's sentences and know what the other is thinking in certain circumstances. Matt and I have those moments sometimes and I love that! I absolutely love it because not only does it mean that I'm getting to know him but also because I feel sort of like a psychic and that's going into the unknown. It just makes me laugh and I think it's super cute. Who knows, maybe I'm crazy as he says, but in reality, I'm just a girl who loves this guy. I just need to focus more on that than any other bad thing because in the end, that's what it boils down to; the love we have for each other and the friendship that it's built on.
Well shit! There are a few thoughts in my head that I decided to share. I'm constantly thinking about these subjects throughout the day when I'm not studying...like now. I should get to studying though, so I'll just leave with a quote, not from me.
I did three things today; miss you, miss you, and miss you.