It's simple, I know what I want for myself. If it happens to be that it's not what I need, then that's a learning process all in it's own. But mistake or not, it's my own, and no one else's.

There was a time when I cared.

That time has been long over.

Jesus...

I definitely should be sleeping but alas here I am, pouring my little heart out to strangers or friends who barely come on.  Oh well, it's a comfort to know that it is at least being read by someone, and not locked up in my head or heart.

I miss him.  I freaking goddamn miss him.

Here's the story, he came to visit me for his spring break from Wednesday night till Saturday morning. Other than the fact that I still had to go to class during the week, having him here was truly amazing, and that's an understatement.

The feeling of having someone to come back to after class in the morning...is more of a feeling of delightedness.  When I walked home on Friday morning, after my Bio 242 class at 10:30am, there was a different step to my walk, and I have never wanted to come home so quickly.  So when I do finally arrive, of course he's still fast asleep, I make sure that I do not make loud noises to wake him up. He's so cute when he sleeps.  He looks soo peaceful and I can't find any other words to describe how I feel when I see him lying there, sleeping cute like that, other than I just love him.

Seriously, I'm such a freaking girl sometimes it kills me. I cried on Friday night, because I knew he was leaving on Saturday to go back home and then eventually back to U of I.  He asked me if I was crying because of him and I said it was partially that reason.  I was crying because it genuinely hurts to see him go, to be physically apart from him. Even as I'm saying these words, I have to stop a few times to blink the water out of my eyes and let the tear drops glide down my cheeks. When I think of being apart from him, really think about it, my whole body starts to shake, I hear in my head this rumbling noise like a thunderstorm just roaming over the hill, and the tears just start pouring in from both my eyes. 

What the hell is wrong with me that I can't accept that I'll see him in a few weeks, and just deal with it?  I mean I do deal with it eventually, I'm not a mess all the time, but why can't I just accept it and forget about the whole thing?  Sometimes I think that I bother him with all my overwhelming feelings.  That I'm being too much of a girl and the person that he thought I was, the strong person, is not there or never has been there.  As I told him before, I am strong in other aspects of my life, just not the love/personal relationships.  But it's not even a question of my strength it's more of when I feel something whether that be pain, happiness or any other feeling, you'll see it in my face, my body language, and how I talk.  I'm not so hard to figure out only because I don't like to hide things, especially from him.

The other reason I cry is because of the loneliness I feel when he's not with me.  And it not only pertains to him in particularly, but the fact that I sometimes feel like I don't have friends here in Winona.  The friends that I made last year have moved on or I'm just too busy doing other things that I never get a chance to call and ask them if they would like to hang out.  It sucks to feel alone in a place that you're not completely familiar with because sometimes you just need to talk, but if you don't have someone to talk to, you kind of have to subject to these types of services, which don't get me wrong, I like these online journals, I just wish that I had a friend I could talk to about this because I'm more of a people person, and people interaction.

He left this morning, well yesterday morning now.  He officially left at a little past noon, and I sat there in my car until I saw the damn train leave.  As the last cart faded in the distance, I felt that horrible feeling again, the loneliness and the physical separation, and I started to cry.  Later on that day I went on to take notes and to read Cell Biology but again, just that feeling it wouldn't go away so as I was reading text about cytochrome c and the electron transport system, I was crying.  I sometimes wonder why I do such things.  I tried to get back on track but it just kept coming back.  After a little while I took a nap and when I woke up, I did this thing with my hand, like if Matt would have been there with his arm around me, I would have caressed it, and when I caressed the air, I felt stupid right then and there but a little while after, when I was finally up and doing stuff again, I just remembered that little moment and again I started to cry.

A day of constant reminders of his absence was definitely not how I wanted to spend my Saturday.

I hate being a girl sometimes, because it's at moments like this that I feel so pathetic.  And he might think it's cute and all but it honestly just hurts.

He means so much to me.  When he leaves, he takes a part of me with him, and that's why it hurts to much.

Tomorrow is a new day; one can only hope for a better day.

I love you - those three words have my life in them.
~ by Alexandrea to Nicholas III